why oh why!

Everything around is still, peaceful? no not possible, still never actually corresponds to peaceful. If it was, I would have used a fancier adjective. I want to speak out, scream out, pour it all out. Isn't that what it was supposed to be like!? I want to, I so want to, but I hold back. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of persuasion, but that is how its supposed to be. Its funny, its all very ironic, sometimes I feel what goes around comes around, and that is why its all happening. Again an irony, since when did I believe in the cliches of the world! Stillness around, screaming inside, cry for help, but is help really needed!? Traces of the once strong mind lingers around for a minute, then taken over by waves of new found agony. Is it just an illusion!!? Am I hallucinating, because its nothing, after all everything is still there, nothing is lost. Why is it so still then, why is there a lump, why cant I scream everything out, why should I hold it all in, why do I say it only to myself. It hurts, more so because of unknown pain, unforeseen agony. I stop thinking about it, think of something else, but it seems to have seeped in through every vein, every artery, every cell in the body, there seems to be no escaping it. Again, its not lost yet, far from it! But I can talk only to myself, why cant I let it out, may be there will be peace again, may be everything would not be so unmercifully still around me....